Last night was the ending and a beginning. I think out of the past 6 years, last night was the most amazing night for Van and I. It tops my list for one of the most memorable moments in my life. It was the moment I fell in love with my husband again - in a real, deep, genuine, soul-searing way. I got my Prince back. I got my fairytale back. We just happen to be living in the real world and dealing with real issues at that same time.I found my pearl.
Oh, where to begin...
We were talking about how he's sick of dealing with people, how California is really getting to him. I think that all these people saying that he walks around thinking he owns the gym has really hit him hard, and that I said that he was superficial. It really hurt him that I said that about him. Well... it was the truth. He's been trying to justify his actions with stories of people being intimidated by him and what not.
The thing that really made the difference, I guess, was his talk with Harlene (they went to lunch on Tuesday). Harlene is in somewhat of the same situation as Van, in a sense that she has to socialize with clients or potential clients. Her husband used to have a problem with that. I think it finally made Van realize what he puts me through. Geez, all those years of telling him didn't work. Harlene did in one day what I couldn't do in 5 years.
So in the beginning, he was telling me how he wants to get away with me, and he said, "I miss you", which I thought was about the sweetest thing he said to me all year. Then as we got to talking about how he's starting to get back to reality, and the impact of the conversation with Harlene, I said to him, "Now you know how I felt."(pertaining to trashbag ordeal) He said, "I know," and then for the life of me, I couldn't remember exactly what he said next because I was FLOORED. FLOORED! The gist of it was that he felt bad that he put me through all that. But it was even more profound, more meaningful when he said it. I thought that was the sweetest thing he said in the past 5 years. It made me want to cry. Sometimes people say things, and you can't remember what they say, but you remember the feeling. I felt sad & happy at the same time, but also full - like this deep love radiating inside me. Like my heart was glowing. Like a flower that had been neglected for so long just bloomed out of nowhere. The sadness was from looking into his eyes and seeing his sadness. I was aching inside too -- like a pain that I'd gotten used to but all of the sudden healed and so there's the aching from the lack of pain. That's so hard to explain. It's like when you sit and your leg falls asleep, but you don't feel the pain until after you get up. Delayed pain. But then, it's not like I was ever covering up or running away from it all.
Anyhoo.. after we were all done talking, he went and ate and then came back to the room. We were both looking at Isabella. I was still feeling the radiating love and I looked at Isabella and was overcome with happiness, so I said, "Aren't you so happy we have two beautiful girls.", and he said, "I have three beautiful girls." I was beaming. I didn't have any smart-aleck remark.
Could the day have been anymore perfect?
Sometimes I wondered how Van and I could have been meant for each other when we were so different. I wondered if we would last. Always, the love drew me back, but I always wondered for how long. I think that he hurt me so deep, that my heart was just so fragile, I didn't know when it would shatter for the last time. And there are other things that just keep rubbing me -- being married to Van was hard. And likewise, he said that being married to me was hard. I didn't understand why it was like this. Jacqueline had said something really profound. She said that Van is supposed to be in my life, that he's here to essentially make me uncomfortable (poking, irritating, aggravating me) so that I can grow. And then one day, our love will be a pearl. (or I or Van - but I got what she meant.) Just like a pearl starts of with a grain of sand, irritating the oyster. Then eventually this little grain of sand becomes a beautiful pearl.