I am trying out something new. Instead of being so sad, lonely, pitiful all the time, I will attempt to think positive thoughts. Instead of thinking of things that I don't like/want, I will think of things that I do like/want. Instead of thinking of things that I don't want to do, I will think of things that I want to do. Instead of being afraid to express myself to Van for fear that he might think that I'm a foolish little girl, I will remind myself that he loves me no matter what and will only appreciate that I can be open and honest; he won't have to guess at what I want/feel/need. Hmmm... but didn't I try this before and was disappointed when I had made my feelings CLEAR, and he still didn't do waht I asked? Hmph. Okay, the negativity creeping in. I have to keep reminding myself that we are all individuals. No one is here to serve your every need. Except when you're a baby. Van is allowed to have his own opinion, his own life. Dangit, this is going to be hard. But... everything that's worth it in this world is hard work. I just want to be happy.