Well, I already know the demon is in my head. How do I get it out is the question.
One thing is clear to me, though. I do not want to be this way. I definitely don't want my girls to see this side of me. I don't want them to grow up thinking that this is a normal marriage. I want them to see the best, because then they'll want the best for themselves. But at the same time, I want to be happy, and I don't think that I can continue on this same path and be happy.
So what is the plan?
Well, for starters, I need to just have a positive attitude. I can't let this kick me down. I need to get up, brush off the dirt - and yeah, it hurt like heck, but I can't stay down. I need to go at this again. So get my boxing gloves on and say, alright I'm ready for another round. Let's have a good fight. Forget that I was hurt, because who I'm fighting is negativity. That's all the bad stuff - the sadness, the anger, the feeling of betrayal, feeling unloved, unappreciated. It's just a feeling. The stuff that happened already is unchangeable. What I can change is the way I feel. So let's fight that.
I will not be negative. I am going to knock that sucker out!
Alright, so what comes after?
Well, after defeating negativity, I will take off the gloves and go skip through the hills and find flowers of friendship, knowledge, esteem, self love, patience, kindness, thoughtfullness... I don't know what forgiveness looks like, but I'd like to find that too. It's all out there waiting to be plucked.
That's all I want to do for now. Those are my only goals. Knock out the demons (negativity) and go pick some flowers.