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Moving On 11/08/08 [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | Vanessa ]
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Going to Pick Some Flowers [27 Oct 2008|10:52pm]
I'm trying to work on getting my feelings into better perspective. It's a pain in the behind. I'm doing this worksheet that examines your thoughts and feelings and, I guess, makes you see that it's all in your head.
Well, I already know the demon is in my head. How do I get it out is the question.
One thing is clear to me, though. I do not want to be this way. I definitely don't want my girls to see this side of me. I don't want them to grow up thinking that this is a normal marriage. I want them to see the best, because then they'll want the best for themselves. But at the same time, I want to be happy, and I don't think that I can continue on this same path and be happy.
So what is the plan?
Well, for starters, I need to just have a positive attitude. I can't let this kick me down. I need to get up, brush off the dirt - and yeah, it hurt like heck, but I can't stay down. I need to go at this again. So get my boxing gloves on and say, alright I'm ready for another round. Let's have a good fight. Forget that I was hurt, because who I'm fighting is negativity. That's all the bad stuff - the sadness, the anger, the feeling of betrayal, feeling unloved, unappreciated. It's just a feeling. The stuff that happened already is unchangeable. What I can change is the way I feel. So let's fight that.
I will not be negative. I am going to knock that sucker out!
Alright, so what comes after?
Well, after defeating negativity, I will take off the gloves and go skip through the hills and find flowers of friendship, knowledge, esteem, self love, patience, kindness, thoughtfullness... I don't know what forgiveness looks like, but I'd like to find that too. It's all out there waiting to be plucked.

That's all I want to do for now. Those are my only goals. Knock out the demons (negativity) and go pick some flowers.

Here We Are - Where We've Always Wanted To Be [02 Mar 2008|11:33pm]
[ mood | loved ]

All these years, I've been searching within our relationship to find IT. It seemed like that IT was always just an inch within our reach. We've loved each other for so long, and so purely. It really does seem like a fairytale, but with a lot of dragons to slay. So the biggest dragon (comparable to trashbag) is the one to make the fairytale more of a reality.
What we have now is soooo much better than anything I could even dream of. It's real. It's solid. It's passionate. And it's so true.
Why were we both so afraid before?
I think the bottom line is -- just jump. No safety net, no bungee cord. Just jump. He'll be there to catch me. Always.

It Still Hurts [28 Feb 2008|09:52pm]
It still hurts. I'm still confused. I don't want to be a fool. But I'm here. I'm standing by his side. I haven't left. I want so much to believe him. I do believe him. But I still wonder. And if what he's saying is the truth, then I'm still hurt by the words, even if there wasn't meaning behind them.
Am I so easy to placate?
It's just -- this is us. We've been together so long. People go through so many lovers trying to find the one. For us, it was just US. It's always been us. And maybe I'm so in love with that love story, that I'm unwilling to see anything else. I don't know. I can't think straight.

Be Strong [25 Feb 2008|01:34pm]
Be strong, girl, be strong.
I'm waiting for Van to come home so we can talk. I'm nervous, and hurt. I'm soooo hurt. I can't even explain the feeling. But my heart is dying. But it's okay. It's good. Is it good, though? To have a dead heart? I'm smart. I know better. I need to use my head instead of my heart or emotions to live this life.
He's here.
Here we go.

I Fell - And He Caught Me [08 Feb 2008|11:16pm]
It was about 3 weeks ago, on a Tuesday (I guess it was the 15th) that I had a major break down. It was horrible. But it was necessary cleansing.
Earlier that week, Van and I had a talk. And basically, I told him that it was too late. And I had kind of been numb to everything. I just didn't want to feel anymore. So it started off fine. I was cleaning, listening to my mp3 player, listening to the list of songs that I had made for Van. And I got sadder and sadder. And then I just couldn't hold it anymore. I couldn't handle the pain, the disappointments. It was just toooooo much. I just started crying and couldn't stop. I was bawling at some points. Vanessa came up and asked how I was doing, and I couldn't even talk. I couldn't tell her. After about an hour, Van finally came and carried me upstairs. And I just laid there curled up in fetal position, crying. Crying for the loss of a dream. My prince, my fairytale... Ugh. It was so sad.
So, finally having let go, I've been able to just let things be. I still get disappointed. I still get sad. But now, it's like - whatever. It is what it is.
And, surprisingly, it's been good. A part of me keeps wanting to be sad. I've been so used to being that way, so comfortable being there, that it's a natural pull. But, then, I tell myself that I need to just believe the good, the happy. It's purely my choice whether I want to be happy or sad. And it's my choice whether I want to show my love or not. So, I've let go of the pride. I've let go of most of the sadness. I just pour out my love freely now. And it feels good. But I guess it feels good because he's there to catch my love. Perhaps before, he wouldn't have been there, and my attempts would go unnoticed. Unreciprocated. Because he's changed too. He holds me more, he holds me longer. He tells me he loves me. He texts me that he loves me.
It's all good-good?
Not all the time. But most of the time.

Bitterness [05 Jun 2007|03:24pm]
I'm particularly bitter and annoyed and angry today. Hmmm... and resentful. I'm mad at the world. I'm finding reasons to be mad at everyone. But then, I thought, okay, let's make yourself (myself) feel better. Let's think of things to be thankful about. What one thing in this world makes me happy, makes me smile? I thought of Isabella. I'm thankful for Isabella. She just absolutely lights up my life. But then, what about Vanessa? I'm thankful for her too. She's an amazing little girl. So sweet (and yes, bratty), and just so -- smart and insightful. And I'm thankful for Van for being everything that he is. Because of him, we are in this beautiful house. Because of him, I don't have to worry about working. He allows me to be myself, flaws and all.
And I'm thankful for my parents. Even my dad. I'm so glad they're not moneysuckers or hateful towards their children. And I'm thankful for all the little things they do around the house for me, even though they don't have to.
I am thankful. For a lot of things.
I just suck today.

New Year! [04 Jan 2007|08:46am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Darn the internet! I'd written this whole entry on why I haven't written and how watching Grey's Anatomy depresses me, and how I love to be sad, so I watched more clips of it with "Chasing Cars" and "How to Save a Life", etc. .. then I thought I'd listen to Launchcast while I was writing and it froze up the internet. darnit!
So... I'm not gonna write about that anymore.
Van got me a laptop for Christmas! Yay!
Oh, so I was writing about how "mmmmmm" Ryan Gosling is in "The Notebook", but it's because of his character. I hope that Van will be as in love with me for always. But really, that's not a fair wish, because I fall in and out of love with him all the time. And if he's in love with me, he certainly doesn't show it in a way that I understand. I know that he loves me. But buying me a laptop is not romantic. I love my laptop, and I'm crazy happy that he got it for me. But it's not sweet and romantic.
I wish we had all that romance back in our life.

Hugging A Monk [08 Oct 2006|05:33pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I had a really disturbingly good dream last night. Amdist all the action (running from mobsters, etc.), I found myself crawling into a cave and emerged on the other side to find a monk. He turned around, and it was Matt. (Okay, so I'm thinking that he must mean more to me than I would like to admit - if he keeps showing up in my dreams and thoughts. Even though those thoughts are usually negative. The dreams have progressively gotten better, though.) I ran up to him and hugged him. He was surprised, but happy to see me. He was so attractive, in that he had this peaceful aura about him. And he put on about 10lbs. Monkdom did him good. As I hugged him, I was inhaling the scent of him, and I just wanted to hold on. There was a point where I ended hugging him again, and I was thinking how good he felt and smelled... and what if I slept with him? (A monk!) But then Van would find out. The truth always comes out.
The funny thing is, he felt and smelled the way Van felt when I first got back with him. So could it be Van in disguise? I've never felt that way in anyone's arms other than Van's. Or... am I just justifying the good feeling because I feel guilty for feeling that way towards someone other than Van?t night.

Forgiveness [06 Oct 2006|12:11am]
"Not one of God's children can be evil. At worst, he or she is hurt. At
worst, he or she attacks others, and blames them for their pain. But,
they are not evil.

Yes, your compassion must go this deep. There is no human being who does
not deserve your forgiveness. There is no human being who does not
deserve your love."

I was checking my emails, and ran across this from inspiration peak... wow. It's awesome how these messages move me... I can't describe the feeling. It's kinda late. Can't think that great.
This one makes me think of our [family's] feelings towards Bong Hak. Poor thing. She's just lost. And if we are then ones that have found some peace, then we need to open our arms to her too. No? I don't know. Hatred and anger are such wasted emotions.

[05 Oct 2006|12:46pm]
I haven't updated in the longest time.
This will be the opening line of all my entries... ha-ha.
So. I got drunk last weekend. It's not all it's cracked up to be. I can totally have a blast without drinking. I'm just stupid when I drink. Is stupid good?
More on that later.
Gotta pick up Nessa from school. She's going to Shadow Ranch instead of Boulevard. Issues there as well. But it's good. Shadow Ranch is good. I like it. It's just that snobby side of me that's nagging. Stop being a snob, gosh dangit!
Isabella's getting big. She's squishy, though. Chubby little thing. I call her "Belly", instead of Bella. I'm a mean mom.
Van and I are good. We're so solid. He's awesome. Really good to me. Was he always like that, and I didn't see?
Everybody's happy. Everybody's healthy. Not everybody's rich... but we are rich with love. :o)
Gotta go!

[14 Aug 2006|10:33pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Van's in Florida. Hm. Distance does make the heart grow fonder. Yeah, I get annoyed with him a lot when he's here, but I definitely would rather have him here than not. My big gorilla.
So, he's been making a lot more money and debating about staying here. It looks promising.
I was so sad last week, what with Van being so hung up on the gym drama and not being with us, and then pulling Vanessa out of Boulevard school, and thinking about moving to Florida... it just got me really sad. But everything always has a way of working themselves out if you just give it time and quit focusing on the negative.
That being said - I asked Van to have lunch with us instead of Harlene and Ed on Friday, because we haven't spent much time together as a family. To which he replied, "That was all you had to say." I had tears in my eyes. How is it that I never have faith that he wants to spend time with me (and the girls), I just need to speak up but not be whiny about it.
I took Vanessa to Small World school. It had more of a daycare atmosphere, but definitely a lot more convenient for me. I can drop her off anytime between 7 and 9 -- and really, anytime after would be fine too. I can pick her up between 12 and 12:30. Lunch is included. It's a very relaxed atmosphere. It's only $80 per week for a three day week, which is about $30 cheaper per month. But still... I felt guilty about taking her away from her friends. Oh, and I won't lose $500, only $90 in enrollment fee. So, all the signs are there for me to go to Small World, but I'm resisting it because I'm so used to Vanessa being at the Blvd. Van, Jacq, and Cori are all for Small World. Anyhow, I think I'm going with Small World and just setting up playdates for her with her school friends.
And, as for the move to Florida... I'm getting a feeling that we might be staying here. So I'm going to do everything in my power to make that happen. Instead of just sitting on my butt and complaining and being sad and feeling that I'm powerless to do anything about it, I will get myself out there and DO SOMETHING about it. I will send in for my real estate license, try to get with a broker, find a nice house that we can afford, etc. I will also try and find ways to make money. Trainer? Notary Public? Any little thing to get some cash flow going into my pocket. At the very least, it'll be some extra spending cash.
So, looking for the positive. Being productive. Cleaning my rooms. Clearing my head.

JD & DJ [02 Aug 2006|01:10am]
[ mood | reflective ]

I was reading some earlier entries and came upon one about JD and Dan Jones. There have been some changes in my way of thinking.
I always knew that if I didn't marry Van, I would've spent my life dreaming about him. Much more so than with JD. It's so true that you always want what you can't have, and that you don't know what you have until it's gone. Well, let's hope that I never have to experience the latter part where Van is concerned.
Anyhow... in my spiritual journey towards happiness and wisdom, I've come to the conclusion that I should remember the past fondly instead of longingly. For the longest time, I've regretted not going out with a number of guys. Mike, that cute German/Japanese guy (who must not be all that important if I can't remember his name), Michael, and mainly JD. I mean, he was right there, in the palm of my hands, but I brushed him off. Was that because I wasn't allowed to have boyfriends, or was I just some twisted little girl who got a thrill off chasing guys? Hm.
What I've come to realize, through talking with Cori and Shaela about Jason is that he's not who I hype him up to be. Cori says that he got with Sherry a number of times. And Shaela mentioned that he got into drugs a while back. This is definitely not the Jason I've kept alive in my memories. I'm glad that I didn't get together with him, albeit for a sweet brief kiss one summer when I was 16. This way, I can always recall that kiss with fondness and still kind of remember him with sweet reminiscence.
And so that's that. That door is shut, but with a window for viewing.
Then there's the Dan Jones chapter.
I don't know where all these feelings are coming from. I didn't know that they were there. I don't know whether I liked him and am perhaps choosing to not remember (selective memory). But wouldn't I have gone after him if I did like him in that way? I know I liked him more than just a friend, more than the next guy. I know that I liked him as a person. I liked him too much to like him, I tell myself. But what does that mean?
First of all, I'm going to digress a bit and say that it does not matter in the least bit how I feel for him now, because I love Van more than anyone. I don't feel for Dan in that way. At least my present self does not. But I'm just trying to clean up the past. Letting my teen self feel what she needs to feel.
I think that I might need to have another talk with myself. Find out what's really going on. What I don't understand, though, is that if I did feel something for Danny, why did it never surface? Was I afraid that he wouldn't like me back? Sheesh. When did that ever stop me? I think Danny mattered to me. I mean, I genuinely liked him, so I didn't want him to just be another chase. I don't think I was ever attracted to him in that raw physical way. I think it was more my soul. I think he made my soul sing. OR ache. He was really good looking. I always thought that he and JD had the most perfect eyebrows. LOL. (I'm not really laughing out loud. I'm actually chuckling silently. God, sometimes I'm lame. Anyways...)

What I don't get is the depth and weight of what I feel for him. After all these years -- to get in touch with him and to share my deepest thoughts with him. I mean, it's been YEARS! I've tried to get in contact with him off and on for a long time. But he hasn't even penetrated my thoughts in the last 10 years or so. Last I'd heard, he was in Utah. Then Chris & Shaela came into my life, and there was Danny in my thoughts.
What really bugs me is why he means so much to me. Why? I can only guess that it's because I have so much respect and admiration for him as a person. And I love his personality. He's got that bit of ego, but not quite the kind that really is arrogant; he's really sweet, not aspartame sweet; he's a good listener who makes you feel like he really cares about what you have to say and contributes just enough to keep you going to the next subject; he flirts really well, not too over the top - doesn't make you feel like he wants just one thing. Of course, this is Danny. Not the Dan Jones now. I don't know this Dan Jones. But I do like him.
I think what it is, is that I'm unlocking old feelings and letting the old me be free with what she felt, good or bad. I'm just letting the past be true. No hiding, no being scared, no feeling inhibited. I'm going to let them loose. It doesn't mean that I will lose my present self or present feelings. It just means that the teen me will get a chance to live.
So sad. But so refreshing. I'm taking care of myself. It's a good thing.

Who Am I? [31 Jul 2006|11:01am]
[ mood | psycho-schizo-crazy ]

I was reading my last couple of entries. It's so funny that previous to my "pissed" entry, I was deliriously happy that I'd found my pearl. Hm. Psychotic girl, I am.
I was on the inspiration peak website and found this quote by Buddha that hit home. It felt like Buddha himself took a huge mallet and pounded this thought into me -

You can only lose what you cling to.

It's so simple and so profound. I need to remember that.
I wish I could live life simply. Just give and love. To heck with my Coach purses and Tiffany jewelry. WHY? It's so superficial. And yet... it just sneaks up on me. Okay, but in my defense, I do really like the purses, not just because they're from Coach. And I love the Elsa Peretti line, it's simple and elegant. But okay, I wouldn't buy the Coach purses if they were knock-offs. Well, I did buy one, but I don't carry it. So doesn't that mean that I'm superficial to some extent?
Sometimes it's hard to like myself. I find reasons to not, when I very well should.
hee-hee. Yeah, I'm a psycho and a schizo. Poor Van.

Annoyed [28 Jul 2006|04:31pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I was a little upset at Van last night for not calling me when he went out with the guys. He told me he was going out, but he didn't bother to call while he was out. Is that a bit harsh for me to expect? I'd just like to know when he's out and when he's going to come home. It's annoying when he doesn't call. Is that because, although I can't control his going out, I'd like to at least still have some bit of control over him? Hm. Shoot, what am I on? I can't even control that, so what's the biggie? Let it go. I need to just chill. So what if Van takes advantage of the situation or takes it for granted that I'm so cool. I'm not. But what can I do? Just chill and do what makes me happy. That's all there is to it. I thought I was done expecting things from Van. It ain't going to happen. Whatever it is I want/need, it aint' gonna happen. And when/if it does, then I should just be happy that I get that. Like the flowers. Very nice surprise.
And if there's something that I do want or need, I have to tell him ahead of time. NO MORE Mother-in-laws taking care of me post-pregnancy.
I swear, I don't speak up, and then things happen, and I get PISSED.
Well, if we ever decide to have another baby, then there will be rules. And if he doesn't meet my needs, I'm just going to give him hell. I'm not going to be unreasonable. Just no in-laws, no going out with the boys all hours of the night (or day). I need him home to take care of me. If I'm suffering, then he can too. He should not be out having a blast while I'm at home dying. That's pretty insensitive. There will be other events that he can go to.
God. Sometimes Van is such a frickin' ignorant arse.
I'm just a little peeved, looking back on things.
But I will say that there are good sides to him too.
1. He's okay with me staying at home to take care of the girls.
2. He lets me spend as frivilously as I want. He doesn't hold me back from buying things.
3. He encourages me to have friends and to do whatever I want to make myself happy. (But that may be because he doesn't want to have to be the one to make me happy or be bothered. Hmph.
4. He thinks I'm smart. And I think he might think I'm pretty too. I'm not sure about that one, sometimes.
5. He's really good to his friends. He's generous.

Should I list the things that I don't like about him?
Hm... let's not. I might be here for another hour.

My Pearl [15 Jul 2006|12:10am]
[ mood | loved ]

Last night was the ending and a beginning. I think out of the past 6 years, last night was the most amazing night for Van and I. It tops my list for one of the most memorable moments in my life. It was the moment I fell in love with my husband again - in a real, deep, genuine, soul-searing way. I got my Prince back. I got my fairytale back. We just happen to be living in the real world and dealing with real issues at that same time.
Oh, where to begin...
We were talking about how he's sick of dealing with people, how California is really getting to him. I think that all these people saying that he walks around thinking he owns the gym has really hit him hard, and that I said that he was superficial. It really hurt him that I said that about him. Well... it was the truth. He's been trying to justify his actions with stories of people being intimidated by him and what not.
The thing that really made the difference, I guess, was his talk with Harlene (they went to lunch on Tuesday). Harlene is in somewhat of the same situation as Van, in a sense that she has to socialize with clients or potential clients. Her husband used to have a problem with that. I think it finally made Van realize what he puts me through. Geez, all those years of telling him didn't work. Harlene did in one day what I couldn't do in 5 years.

So in the beginning, he was telling me how he wants to get away with me, and he said, "I miss you", which I thought was about the sweetest thing he said to me all year. Then as we got to talking about how he's starting to get back to reality, and the impact of the conversation with Harlene, I said to him, "Now you know how I felt."(pertaining to trashbag ordeal) He said, "I know," and then for the life of me, I couldn't remember exactly what he said next because I was FLOORED. FLOORED! The gist of it was that he felt bad that he put me through all that. But it was even more profound, more meaningful when he said it. I thought that was the sweetest thing he said in the past 5 years. It made me want to cry. Sometimes people say things, and you can't remember what they say, but you remember the feeling. I felt sad & happy at the same time, but also full - like this deep love radiating inside me. Like my heart was glowing. Like a flower that had been neglected for so long just bloomed out of nowhere. The sadness was from looking into his eyes and seeing his sadness. I was aching inside too -- like a pain that I'd gotten used to but all of the sudden healed and so there's the aching from the lack of pain. That's so hard to explain. It's like when you sit and your leg falls asleep, but you don't feel the pain until after you get up. Delayed pain. But then, it's not like I was ever covering up or running away from it all.
Anyhoo.. after we were all done talking, he went and ate and then came back to the room. We were both looking at Isabella. I was still feeling the radiating love and I looked at Isabella and was overcome with happiness, so I said, "Aren't you so happy we have two beautiful girls.", and he said, "I have three beautiful girls." I was beaming. I didn't have any smart-aleck remark.
Could the day have been anymore perfect?

Sometimes I wondered how Van and I could have been meant for each other when we were so different. I wondered if we would last. Always, the love drew me back, but I always wondered for how long. I think that he hurt me so deep, that my heart was just so fragile, I didn't know when it would shatter for the last time. And there are other things that just keep rubbing me -- being married to Van was hard. And likewise, he said that being married to me was hard. I didn't understand why it was like this. Jacqueline had said something really profound. She said that Van is supposed to be in my life, that he's here to essentially make me uncomfortable (poking, irritating, aggravating me) so that I can grow. And then one day, our love will be a pearl. (or I or Van - but I got what she meant.) Just like a pearl starts of with a grain of sand, irritating the oyster. Then eventually this little grain of sand becomes a beautiful pearl.

I found my pearl.

A Perfect Day [14 Jul 2006|12:25am]
[ mood | loved ]

He said: "I miss you."
He said that he felt bad for what he put me through.
He said: "I have three beautiful girls."

I'm so happy, I don't know what to do with myself.

Fitness Goals [10 Jul 2006|06:47pm]
[ mood | inspired ]

Since going out last Saturday, I've felt like a total heifer. Instead of waiting until the pain goes away, I've decided to go back to the gym. And not only once or twice, but THREE times a day. Well, the goal is three times, but the promise is just to go at least once a day. Everyday. I don't care if I feel fat, or have nothing to wear, or if I'm in pain -- no excuses. Day or night. I'm there. Even if I go and have a half-butt work-out. I am there.
I'm so determined to get my body back. And if I can't ever get the same body back, I will just make this body the best possible body it can be. I'm just DONE with this flabby, disgusting tub of lard. I really don't see how people can let themselves go. It's not just unattractive, it's so darn uncomfortable and inconvenient. You look horrible, you feel horrible, and it's impossible to find anything that looks decent. That's why fat people wear mu-mus; crop tops or short skirts, or anthing slightly fitting do not look good with rolls hangin' out.
And I'm also done being good. I've been good enough in my life. It's kinda funny, though. For all the goodness in me, when I'm bad, it's really bad, even though it only shows through once in a blue moon.
I was actually, in part, inspired by Tila Tequila. She's a cute, bad-ass girl. But, so what? I used to be so judgemental. Geez, does it really matter that she's half naked in most of her photos? So what? It doesn't make her a bad girl. It doesn't define her life. Actually, I don't know much about her, so I can't say. But for me, letting go of all my inhibitions is not going to make me a bad person. It'll just make me free. So, as of today, I'm done being a good girl. I'm gonna be a bad-ass mommy. Yee-haw. Well, a good mommy and wife, and daughter, and friend... just a bad girl. Hee-hee.

A Night Out [09 Jul 2006|10:09am]
[ mood | calm ]

Melissa, Amanda, and I went out last night. They drank a little bit before we went out, so I had to drive. I don't need booze to have fun. And it was actually quite fun because we did what we went out to do -- dance. Van went out too - with his friends. I was okay with it. That is, until he called me at 3am and told me that Jenna went too. Hmph. I was trying to figure out if I should say something to him about how I felt, and if so, then what I would say. I mean, I've been trying to be okay with him going out without me. It was a guy's thing, so that was fine. But then to throw a girl in there - was not fine. I'm totally not okay with it. Even though I went out too and had a good time...
When he came home, I asked him if or rather just commented that I felt like he didn't want me there. But he said that he did. He was bored. He didn't have a good time. Jenna got together with Kevin, and everybody else kinda hooked up with someone, so he was just alone. But knowing Van, he just always makes the best of the situation. Anyhow, I was a little happy to know that he didn't have such a good time without me. In this situation, anyways.
So - my little sister is crazy! There all these guys that wanted to dance with us, but Mel & I were like - Ungh-uh, we're taken. Manda, on the other hand was all over that. She was freaking with some guy FOREVER! And then it was like, guy after guy. Sheesh. But I'm glad that she's uninhibited enough to do that. I'm sure as heck not. I don't like guys touching me. There's only one guy that can dance all up on me. Hmm, and maybe Jean Paul. Just because he's harmless enough (he's like a little brother), but not related. Some guy touched my butt and I almost elbowed him. Ooh! The nerve. I just turned around and pushed him away, though.
My thighs were burning. Boy, you really do have to be in shape to dance. I couldn't do my normal moves. And then the heels! UH! I need to start wearing heels more often to get used to it.
Well - a good time was had by all. The three of us anyways.

Positivity [07 Jul 2006|05:21pm]
I am trying out something new. Instead of being so sad, lonely, pitiful all the time, I will attempt to think positive thoughts. Instead of thinking of things that I don't like/want, I will think of things that I do like/want. Instead of thinking of things that I don't want to do, I will think of things that I want to do. Instead of being afraid to express myself to Van for fear that he might think that I'm a foolish little girl, I will remind myself that he loves me no matter what and will only appreciate that I can be open and honest; he won't have to guess at what I want/feel/need. Hmmm... but didn't I try this before and was disappointed when I had made my feelings CLEAR, and he still didn't do waht I asked? Hmph. Okay, the negativity creeping in. I have to keep reminding myself that we are all individuals. No one is here to serve your every need. Except when you're a baby. Van is allowed to have his own opinion, his own life.
Dangit, this is going to be hard. But... everything that's worth it in this world is hard work.
I just want to be happy.

I Am Powerful! [03 Jul 2006|10:37am]
[ mood | inspired ]

I Am Powerful!
Author Unknown

I am very powerful!
Whatever I set my mind on having, I will have.
Whatever I decide to be, I will be.
The evidence is all around me.
The power of my will has brought me precisely to where I am right now.
I have made the choices. I have held the thoughts.
I have taken the actions to create my current reality.
And I have the power to change it into whatever I want it to be.
With the choices I make, I am constantly fulfilling the vision I have for my life.
If that does not seem to be the case --
then I am deceiving myself about what I really want.
Because what I really, truly want, I will get!
What I truly wanted in the past, I already have.
If I want to build a billion-dollar business, I will take the actions necessary to do it.
If I want to sit comfortably watching TV night after night --
I will take the actions necessary for that.
Don’t be disappointed in my results --
they’re just the outward manifestation of my priorities.
I will be sure of what I truly want,
because I am sure to get it!

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