cindyliria (cindyliria) wrote,

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I was reading some earlier entries and came upon one about JD and Dan Jones. There have been some changes in my way of thinking.
I always knew that if I didn't marry Van, I would've spent my life dreaming about him. Much more so than with JD. It's so true that you always want what you can't have, and that you don't know what you have until it's gone. Well, let's hope that I never have to experience the latter part where Van is concerned.
Anyhow... in my spiritual journey towards happiness and wisdom, I've come to the conclusion that I should remember the past fondly instead of longingly. For the longest time, I've regretted not going out with a number of guys. Mike, that cute German/Japanese guy (who must not be all that important if I can't remember his name), Michael, and mainly JD. I mean, he was right there, in the palm of my hands, but I brushed him off. Was that because I wasn't allowed to have boyfriends, or was I just some twisted little girl who got a thrill off chasing guys? Hm.
What I've come to realize, through talking with Cori and Shaela about Jason is that he's not who I hype him up to be. Cori says that he got with Sherry a number of times. And Shaela mentioned that he got into drugs a while back. This is definitely not the Jason I've kept alive in my memories. I'm glad that I didn't get together with him, albeit for a sweet brief kiss one summer when I was 16. This way, I can always recall that kiss with fondness and still kind of remember him with sweet reminiscence.
And so that's that. That door is shut, but with a window for viewing.
Then there's the Dan Jones chapter.
I don't know where all these feelings are coming from. I didn't know that they were there. I don't know whether I liked him and am perhaps choosing to not remember (selective memory). But wouldn't I have gone after him if I did like him in that way? I know I liked him more than just a friend, more than the next guy. I know that I liked him as a person. I liked him too much to like him, I tell myself. But what does that mean?
First of all, I'm going to digress a bit and say that it does not matter in the least bit how I feel for him now, because I love Van more than anyone. I don't feel for Dan in that way. At least my present self does not. But I'm just trying to clean up the past. Letting my teen self feel what she needs to feel.
I think that I might need to have another talk with myself. Find out what's really going on. What I don't understand, though, is that if I did feel something for Danny, why did it never surface? Was I afraid that he wouldn't like me back? Sheesh. When did that ever stop me? I think Danny mattered to me. I mean, I genuinely liked him, so I didn't want him to just be another chase. I don't think I was ever attracted to him in that raw physical way. I think it was more my soul. I think he made my soul sing. OR ache. He was really good looking. I always thought that he and JD had the most perfect eyebrows. LOL. (I'm not really laughing out loud. I'm actually chuckling silently. God, sometimes I'm lame. Anyways...)

What I don't get is the depth and weight of what I feel for him. After all these years -- to get in touch with him and to share my deepest thoughts with him. I mean, it's been YEARS! I've tried to get in contact with him off and on for a long time. But he hasn't even penetrated my thoughts in the last 10 years or so. Last I'd heard, he was in Utah. Then Chris & Shaela came into my life, and there was Danny in my thoughts.
What really bugs me is why he means so much to me. Why? I can only guess that it's because I have so much respect and admiration for him as a person. And I love his personality. He's got that bit of ego, but not quite the kind that really is arrogant; he's really sweet, not aspartame sweet; he's a good listener who makes you feel like he really cares about what you have to say and contributes just enough to keep you going to the next subject; he flirts really well, not too over the top - doesn't make you feel like he wants just one thing. Of course, this is Danny. Not the Dan Jones now. I don't know this Dan Jones. But I do like him.
I think what it is, is that I'm unlocking old feelings and letting the old me be free with what she felt, good or bad. I'm just letting the past be true. No hiding, no being scared, no feeling inhibited. I'm going to let them loose. It doesn't mean that I will lose my present self or present feelings. It just means that the teen me will get a chance to live.
So sad. But so refreshing. I'm taking care of myself. It's a good thing.
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